Tangled Web of Words Guide Series
Is it Coercive Control or 'just' a difficult relationship?
Many people search for coercive control because something in their relationship feels wrong, but they can’t quite name it. There may be no physical violence. Friends may say “all relationships are hard.” Yet you feel confused, diminished, or constantly on the back foot. This short, practical guide is designed to help you answer one clear question: is this a difficult relationship, or is it coercive control?
What this guide helps you clarify
• Is what you’re experiencing normal relationship conflict, emotional abuse, or coercive control?
• Why conversations keep going nowhere, leaving you feeling blamed, silenced, or responsible
• Whether the problem is poor communication or an unequal power dynamic
• Why “trying harder”, explaining yourself, or being more patient hasn’t worked
• The difference between stress, incompatibility, and a pattern of control
• Early warning signs that are often missed or minimised
• Why confusion itself can be a red flag
What this guide is (and is not)
This is not a checklist that tells you what to do.
It is not therapy, legal advice, or a crisis plan.
It is a clear, grounded framework written by a social work academic and practitioner who has studied coercive control for over 20 years. It gives you language, structure, and perspective so you can think clearly about your situation and decide what you need next.
Who this is for
• People wondering “Is it really that bad, or am I overreacting?”
• People in relationships that feel draining, confusing, or one-sided
• People who suspect coercive control but aren’t sure
• People supporting a friend, client, or family member who seems stuck
• Professionals wanting a clear, accessible explanation to share
If you are questioning your relationship, trust that question. Confusion is often the first signal that something is not right. This short guide will help you orient yourself, name what is happening, and stop doubting your own perceptions.
Download Is this Coercive Control or Just a Difficult Relationship? now and get clarity before the confusion deepens.
About the author
Dr Torna Pitman is a social work academic, researcher, and counselling practitioner with over twenty years’ experience working with individuals, families, and professionals affected by abuse, trauma, and unequal relationship dynamics.
She completed her PhD on coercive control at the University of Tasmania in 2010, examining how patterns of domination operate in intimate relationships, often without physical violence. Her research identified the central role of conversational dynamics in maintaining power, confusion, and inequality over time.
Dr Pitman is the author of Tangled Web of Words: A Breakthrough Guide to Conversational and Coercive Control in Relationships and has developed original frameworks widely used in counselling, education, and professional training, including the concepts of Conversational Control and Conversational Grooming.
She has taught and is still training social workers, counsellors, and human service professionals, and has worked directly with people questioning whether their relationship difficulties reflect normal conflict or coercive control. Her work bridges academic research and real-world lived experience, with a strong focus on clarity, human rights, and relational justice.
This guide draws on decades of research, clinical practice, and teaching. It is written specifically for the general public, in plain language, to help people make sense of confusing relationship dynamics and trust their own perceptions.
