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Coercive Control

Coercive Control is when a person targets their partner with a system of strategies and tactics to gain and maintain control.

Dr Torna Pitman has a private counselling service that can cater for the more extreme versions of Conversational Control in Coercive Control. Head to this page.

Coercive Control is a particular pattern of relating and a course of conduct that traps you into inequality. An attitudinal and behavioural style makes the whole relationship unfair, unequal, and abusive. Coercive Control is at the core of Domestic or Family Violence, which underpins and explains the incidents or chargeable offences under Family Violence legislation. There are many different Coercive Control styles, and it is useful to know these styles to understand the different techniques and agendas of Coercive Controllers. 

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An important driver of Coercive Control is a multi-layered attitudinal style. A Coercive Controller treats their target with a superior, entitled, and adversarial attitudinal style. This style is visible in;

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  1. How they relate to you

  2. How they relate to others about you

  3. How they behave towards you

  4. How they behave behind your back

 

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The diagram below reflects this process in an example of a relationship.  

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Coercive Control Diagram

The above diagram explains the dynamics of Coercive Control, the core strategy being Conversational Control. All relationship problems start in the conversations. There are many strategies of Conversational Control but none are as effective as one person controlling if, how, when, why, why not, or how long a conversation can occur between two people. The only way for a relationship to be equal, growing, and emotionally intimate is through fair and equal conversations. 

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Conversational Control is common but poorly understood. We hear about emotional abuse, verbal abuse and psychological abuse. Underpinning all of those forms of abuse is a pattern of Conversational Control. The conversations work to keep one person on the back foot and in an unfair position. All this can happen without name-calling or blatant verbal or emotional abuse. 

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Suppose we live with someone who controls the conversations. The consequences are that we are in a relationship that is an arrangement that better suits the Conversational Controller than it does the person being Conversationally Controlled. There is a power imbalance.

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It is essential to understand that not every person who has a habit of using Conversational Control is a Coercive Controller. A pattern of controlling conversations is very common, but it does not mean that the person who has this pattern is also a Coercive Controller. It means that at the core of all Coercive Control is a pattern of Conversational Control.

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In sum, Conversational Control is a red flag for Coercive Control. The more we all understand it, the less we can be conversationally or coercively controlled by a partner. 

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The strategies of Coercive Control outlined in the diagram are common to all Coercive Controllers. The strategies are like the framework of the relationship, or its structure, upon which the tactics are used to gain and maintain control. The types of tactics used vary widely and may never include physical violence. The set of tactics that a Coercive Controller relies upon will depend upon their style and the things they particularly like to control. 

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It can be very difficult to work out what is happening in your relationship or your client's relationship, but there are ways to map out the strategies, tactics and consequences that allow the picture to emerge of what is happening within the relationship. 

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Consider booking a counselling session if you think you have or are being subjected to Coercive Control.

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There are more resources for you to read or watch here

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