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What are Conversational Rights, Conversational Equality and Conversational Control? 

 

 

Conversations are so important because they are what form and then maintain a relationship with our partners. However, when these conversations are not fair or are disrespectful, at least most of the time, the relationship tips from being equal to unequal and, at the higher end of the spectrum, can even be abusive.

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Many relationships are not necessarily 'abusive' but are not benefiting both people to the same extent. That is because some conversations are being controlled by one person in a patterned way. It may be unconscious due to poor role modelling, or it can be very conscious and intentional. Either way, one partner will likely feel disrespected and confused about what is happening.

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This is discussed in TalkingWise's online course: Creating Conversational Equality.

Conversational Rights mean that a person has the right to be treated with fairness and respect.

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You have the right to an emotionally and psychologically safe attitude from the person you are conversing with.

 

You have the right to collaborative behaviour, to have equal input into the conversation, focus, and attention.

 

You have the right to the aim of the conversation to be productive with the opportunity to clarify, discuss, explore and disagree.

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There are four scenarios further down of Conversational Control. In each of them, one person does not have their conversational rights respected enough to make the relationship emotionally intimate, connected, and safe. 

Conversational Equality is essential if you want to have an equal relationship.

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Where there is psychological and emotional safety, respect, patience, empathy, and assumed equality of rights.

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Where there is mutual engagement, respectful and congruent body language, facial expressions, and verbal tone.

 

Where there is a productive conversation and it is kept on track. Different perspectives are acknowledged, with apologies given if needed. 

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This means the conversation would aim to come to a win/win outcome, that has taken into consideration both of your perspectives and is suitable for you both. ​

Healthy communication is the foundation for loving, connected relationships.

What do others have to say?

This really gets to the core of the issue between couples, and that is how the conversations go in every part of the relationship and who is coming off second best as a result and what to do about it

Jesse, Client

Two Atlantic Puffins having what looks like an argument. One of them seems to be yelling at the other

Image by Wynand van Poortvliet

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Their conversational process is very different from somebody who wants an equal conversation.

 

They may pretend to have forgotten past discussions, shut down the conversation, or distort what is said for their benefit.

 

They could force you into an unwanted discussion or one that is circular, complicated, disrespectful, and unhelpful.

 

They will most likely refuse to resolve the issue and use blame, guilt-tripping, or confusing tactics.

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Conversational Control is when one person ignores their partner's Conversational Rights.

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Conversational Control means that one partner is not contributing to the conversation fairly and is, often without realising it, using different kinds of tactics to get their needs, but not their partner's. â€‹

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When this happens in a patterned manner it is also a stepping stone for abuse, such as Coercive Control.

 

Even if it doesn't become abusive, the relationship will be unequal and disconnected. There is overall disrespect in the relationship.

For scnarios

Four Scenarios Of Conversational Control

Unfair conversation example
Unfair conversation example
Unfair conversation example
Unfair conversation example

DISCOVER YOUR CONVERSATIONAL STYLE!

For some further information on Dr Torna Pitman's research on Conversational Control and Coercive Control, please see the links below:

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Resources
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